Flow
by SapphireMind
Summary: This is a flow of thoughts and feelings of a character that I wrote just to explore them and add depth to the character. Rating is for sexual and offensive language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've noticed when I'm gaming more, I tend to write my fanfics less. I think it's there's only room for so many personalities in my head at a time. L Anyway, since I've been writing some stuff for the game I play, I thought I'd put it up here. It's purposefully vague and I removed the names to make it non-identifiable. There might be additions from time to time, as I decide I feel like writing.

The stuff from VtM belongs to White Wolf. The other characters belong to the person who created them. "She" belongs to me.

O o o o o o o o o o o O

She paced around anxiously, wringing her hands slightly. It was stupid, she knew it was stupid. She knew she would be berated for it, if he ever found out she was acting like this. But she couldn't help it. She didn't know what was going on, and she found herself obsessing about it, in the rare moments now that she had alone.

She couldn't say she was upset, the sex was great, and frequent. Hell, it was beyond great. His strength was overpowering at times, but the resilience she developed as a Kindred meant he couldn't really hurt her. And that was hot. She was surprised they weren't breaking things more; walls, beds, counters. She definitely wasn't upset about the sex.

But, the reasons behind the sex bothered her more in the moments that she was by herself; when he was gone doing whatever it was he did when he was alone. She had been a little bit in love with him ever since he made her, and part of her knew that it came from his blood that he gave her upon Embrace. But, he was going to die trying to save the world, he was a hero, a tragic hero; there was something attractive about that. She had to admit it to herself that she had been a little bit in love with him, even before he made her, that maybe that had been part of the reason why she accepted his offer to become Kindred so easily.

She had never mentioned it to him – it would have just complicated matters. And now things were officially complicated. She wanted to blame him. He had started it, she felt. He had to have guessed how she felt, and that night, that night he gave her the massage. God, it was so hard for her to resist doing anything grossly inappropriate that night, especially when he asked her to stay the night. Thank God for the sleep of the dead (or was it undead now?) The coming dawn pulled her into quick unconsciousness and him into even it even faster, so the few moments she may have inappropriately touched him while they were in bed, the few stolen kisses, they were never noticed.

And then came the "infection", the "lust". Now it wasn't just psychological, it was truly physical and she was aching inside for him. She couldn't tell him about that either; she had screwed up feeding. It just affected her, so he didn't have to know. Every time he touched her though, no matter how minor, she wanted more. The anticipation had been making it worse, just thinking about what it would be like to have him kissing her or inside of her. God. She had to stop thinking about it that much, she was not going to solve anything by getting herself so worked up that she jumped him the moment he walked back in the door. Though, honestly, it probably would happen anyway, or he would jump her.

She admonished herself to stop thinking about sex. She wasn't seventeen anymore. Hell, she wasn't even alive anymore. But the way it felt when his lips were on her neck…! She shuddered involuntarily and resisted the urge to phone him and ask him when he would be back. Dead puppies and nuns, dead puppies and nuns.

So now she was fucking him, was kinda in love with him, and all he knew is that she was fucking him. This could really screw with her head in the long run. She should tell him. But she wouldn't, at least, not yet.

She reminded herself that he had responded to that first kiss she gave him, and she was pretty sure he wasn't infected when he did that. When they first screwed, she was feeling it, but he wasn't. But he did it anyway. Why did he do it? Was he indulging her, like he did on so many things? Or, perhaps, did he have feelings for her too? Maybe that had helped set her apart from the others in the world that he didn't embrace. Maybe that's why he said she was going to be his only childe.

She thought about that more. She knew that part of him wanted to create an army to fight with him, and that was his final intention, but he did tell her that she was his first and only. She couldn't imagine that held true for all ways, but there was a special relationship between sire and childe. Despite what others may assert, it wasn't really like a father/daughter relationship. There may be some aspects in it, but she never had feelings about her real father like this. And you don't get to choose your children. And you certainly don't have sex with them.

Sex, fucking, screwing. That was all they had been doing. She supposed that was her answer to her question. They weren't "making love" as the flowery girls like to call it. There was no love in what they were doing, no tenderness and caring, just raw passion and animal lust. It felt good, but it wasn't love.

Sinking back down into the couch, she knew what she needed to know. This was a fun pastime for him. When the infection was cured, it would be over. They would go back to their platonic relationship. Well, platonic on his side. She supposed he was with her because he felt she was safe to share his haven with. She was convenient. She was there.

She needed to focus on the fact that this was meaningless sex, and not ruin it by assigning emotions to it that he didn't feel. She got up to work on her computer and start trying to take her mind off of it by working on her assignment for the Prince. She could quietly ignore the little part inside of her chest that wanted to cry. There was no time or patience for tears.


	2. Chapter 2

She had actually spoken to him about it a little. It hadn't been on purpose, but she had been trying to think about shit while she fixed up the Tremere's car, and then he totally subverted that by having one of his mechanics so all of it for her. It underlined a frustration that she had, that she liked that he could help her if she needed it, but she didn't want to be dependant on him.

This made her angry and she started yelling at him for it. He did his best to dissuade her from speaking, but she held firm to tell him that she didn't want him doing everything for her, without asking especially. He apologized and somehow they got onto the subject of the infection.

He surprised her when he said he figured they would end up sleeping together, whether it was from the infection or not – sex is a good way to celebrate and blow off steam and they work so closely together that it makes sense.

She felt greatly relieved when she heard this; it stopped her from feeling so guilty for infecting him.

He also was talking about not fixing it. She wasn't sure how she felt about that… They spent so much time in bed now, and he seemed to never let her out of his sight even, they weren't getting anything done. Plus, they didn't know what it was or what its intention was. It could be entirely nefarious but no one knows that much about it.

She supposed with time, the constant sex would slow down, it's just big right now because they'd lost that feeling a long time ago, especially for him.

Which left them with what? Being fuckbuddies? She didn't want to dare think about the deeper meaning. Correction, she thought about it a lot, but she didn't want to talk about it with him. As long as it wasn't discussed, it wasn't a problem. She could live with the status quo for now, but she wasn't sure if she could take it if he just flat out said he didn't have any deeper feelings for her.

Though she reconsidered this, it could be a relief. To find out for sure what this means, to know where he's coming from, so she can make sure that she's not showing too much of her heart. She just had to make sure she had an answer ready for him, in case he asked her back, and if he could tell when she was lying.

She cared about him, she was happy with how things were going, she didn't want to make things more complicated, she cared for him very much. She tried to think of more trite phrases she could use to convince him that she wasn't in love with him.

But she was. And while those things were a little true, the biggest truth was that she did love him. And she didn't mind loving him.

She could just set it out on the table. Tell him how she felt, tell him she knew it was deeper for her than it was for him, but that she would deal with it in time, and in the meanwhile, there was nothing to stop them from continuing on as they were.

She rehearsed it in her head:

"Let's just get it over with. We should mention the fact that we're screwing. I'm not going to lie to you. I care very deeply about you, and I know it is in part due to the blood you gave me when you made me. But it's not just that, at least I don't think so. But, I also know that I don't want to complicate things between us, and that you probably don't share the same depth of feelings. That's ok. I've accepted that. Really, I have. I'm a big girl and I'll get over it. And I'm enjoying what we have now, which is a friends with benefits situation as I see it. So, don't worry about how I feel, I'm fine. I'll move on.

"I do think we should cure this. Not because of how I feel completely, but because we don't know how or why it is here. We can still be close friends, have "benefits" when we want them, but then you aren't tied down to me, and I'm not tied down to you. Sound ok?"

It seemed nice on paper. Whether she would actually do it or not was another matter entirely.


	3. Chapter 3

That whole speech she had in her head, all ready and rehearsed? Never said a word of it. Well, correction, she said words from it, but not in the order in which she had planned.

She was the one who started the trouble. The Brujah kept calling her and there was only so much she could put him off without him feeling like she was avoiding him. She was avoiding him to some extent and she knew now that she couldn't date him, especially not with the current circumstances, but she didn't want to burn any bridges if she could help it.

He didn't want her to see the Brujah. He played all nonchalant and calm, but the fact he didn't bitch about her going to see him at all belied his true feelings. She could have sworn he was jealous. It was kind of cute and endearing, especially the way he denied it and tried to hide it. She explained, rather plainly, that she wasn't going to sleep with the Brujah, but that didn't seem to help things.

He kept walking away from her. She didn't like that; she didn't want him to go away from her because she was trying to keep up a tenuous alliance. He started talking about how the curse was causing him physical pain because of something else going on with him and she felt a wave of guilt wash over her. He picked up on it and said that he didn't regret it and was glad for it, but it was time to fix it.

She agreed without complaint and said she would contact the Tremere that evening. But it begged an important question: what were they going to go back to? Back to "just" being Sire and Childe? He answered that quickly, saying that with the mere fact he'd seen her naked, much less what they'd done together, they wouldn't be able to go back to what they were before.

This reassured her in some ways, but still didn't answer the underlying question of what exactly it was that they were doing and what they had between them. As they prepared to have sort of a sendoff screw, she did do something that scared the shit out of her. She told him she cared about him. He didn't say anything back, but she didn't get the impression that it was because he didn't feel the same, more that he knew it was a big step for her and wanted to just let her take one step at a time.

She realized this was going to be a major complication in her life.


	4. Chapter 4

They were cured now. And she was still sleeping in his bed. A small smile came to her face as she burrowed deeper into his embrace. She didn't desire sex anymore, that fleeting pleasure was over, but that didn't mean she didn't want physical contact and affection.

After the Tremere had cured them, they hadn't really spoken. But she didn't go to her apartment in her city either; it had been assumed she would share his bed in his city. It was ironic: now that she had moved to away politically, she spent all of her time in her previous city. She would have to change that soon though, to have better access to the influences she was cultivating. He had a place in her new city, but…She wanted something that was just for them.

She rubbed her cheek lightly against his arm in a drowsy haze. He had already let the coming dawn claim his consciousness, but she was holding out, trying to just soak in the situation. She knew in her heart it couldn't always stay like this, which was all the more reason to take advantage of it while she could.

She couldn't imagine truly going on a path that took her away from him. They were going to die trying to achieve their goals, but there were much worse things in the world besides dying for a good cause. And she believed it to be a good cause. It was easy to sometimes get caught up in the vampiric politics of things and lose sight of what her ultimate goal was, but he served as a reminder as well if she ever needed it.

Finally, she stopped wiggling, having found the perfect position she had been searching for, the most comfortable position to spend the coming day. As her eyes slipped shut, she murmured softly, confident that he was already asleep, "I love you."


	5. Chapter 5

It had been over two weeks since she first became involved with him and a week since they were cured of the infection. She was really falling into her role as a Toreador at court; it made things easier when she got home.

Easier because somehow the character she played for the others, that person could talk about her feelings like a real girl did. She even told him she loved him, without making it all weird.

It had all started at Court. She was breaking her non-relationship with the Brujah off. She never really had an interest in him, but she was willing to indulge his fancy for possible use later. She felt increasingly weird though, conducting the relationship with him, knowing that she went home to another man.

But because of this, the Lie began. She had explained that she had gotten involved with the Toreador. He knew that was the truth. Rumors were flying because of her altercation with the Torie in his city. She also knew it was something she could say that was true, even to those who were exceptionally skilled at discerning lies.

The Lie came in handy though later, when the Prince declared travel restrictions on the city. This was an issue because she didn't actually live in her city; she just was an official resident politically. Every night, she went home to him, to sleep in his arms and bed.

But she needed a reason for why she needed to travel, and the Lie was perfect. She explained to the Prince about being involved with the Toreador , and that's why she needed to travel. He seemed to buy it, as most people were buying it. She knew she would have to spend some time with the Toreador, just in case and to keep the lie real, but it seemed to be working thus far.

She had never asked him about this plan, just instinctively, she didn't want others to know about how much she shared with him and how involved they really were. He completely agree it turned out, especially after their night tonight when she told him that she loved him.

"You know I love you, right?" Her question was simple and expressed her feelings, without it seeming too mushy. She couldn't look at him while she said it, because it could definitely be interpreted many ways. She didn't want him to know how strong her feelings really were.

He had responded that he hadn't realized that, but that he loved her too. And that it was beyond the physical and romantic relationship they had developed, he loved her because they were joined forever, through their blood and dedication to the cause.

She felt better hearing him say it, though she wouldn't admit to herself that she had been anxious about whether he would or not. It didn't mean he loved her in a romantic sense, but that was ok. She could live with a platonic love, and sometimes that is one of the strongest bases you can have for a relationship.

After their admissions to each other, he just held her quietly until it was time to go to bed. Laying in his cool arms, she was at peace. The war was coming, but she was going to fight it and before it came, she was going to enjoy the peace and love in her life.


End file.
